I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
