I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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