The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
