put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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