is your mom at the bar?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
