when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
