I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
