i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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