Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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