Will you blow on my dice?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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