Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You pole danced in your parka.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
