Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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