He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
