I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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