why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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