any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
