I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
