i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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