now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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