I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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