Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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