does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
