Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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