i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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