Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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