good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
