fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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