god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
