She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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