this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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