I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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