Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
