I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
