Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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