Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
