we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
