we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
