saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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