hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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