I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize