I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
