Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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