How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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