So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
