You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
