My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You left your phone here
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