I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
