oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
