party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
