The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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