I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
