I wish I could teleport
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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